After being tapped by NASCAR to help plug race car driving to Black audiences, a few NFL owners reached out to 50 Cent to help lead a special project on potential signees Manti Te'o and Nick Kasa. That is, unofficially. The more candid 50 explains, “Yeah, they wanted to know if they were an innie or an outtie. It’s not politically correct or technically legal to ask, but you can’t blame them. This is a business, so you should know whether you’re about to sign gay Jackie Robinson, or Jackée Robinson I should say.”
The rapper turned boxing promoter and perpetual attention hoarder added, “There’s no better way to find out that a man is sexually attracted to women than by presenting a woman in her most purest form: p-poppin’ to Uncle Luke.”
Although it was widely reported that the Notre Dame linebacker’s sexual orientation was questioned at the NFL Combine, Te’o told the New York Post that wasn’t the case. “No, No,” Te’o rebuffed. “Anything they asked me I answered and answered honestly.”
“That fool [is] lying,” 50 rebuffed. “Of course they asked him. Who goes to a Catholic school and invents a girlfriend alone with all that available sin in close proximity?”
Nick Kasa was more forthright. “Yes, they asked me if I was a Frank Ocean or a Miguel, which I’ve since been told was a trick question.”
Kasa easily accepted 50 Cent’s invitation to the King of Diamonds in Miami because “Who’s gonna turn down free breasts and wings on a rapper’s dime” while Te’o reluctantly went along—though he stressed that if the NFL were serious about their covert mission, they would’ve tapped Drake for the assignment.
“Who even still listens to 50 Cent?” a befuddled Te’o asked.
Upon arrival, it was clear that the event was going to be more about amusing 50 than fact-finding.
50 Cent made a special playlist for Manti Te’o, which included Donell Jones’ “Have You Seen Her,” Zapp & Roger’s “Computer Love,” Mariah Carey’s “Fantasy,” and then P.Diddy’s “I Need A Girl (Part One).”
“I thought I was being a gracious host,” the rapper smirked. After the third song, a fed up Manti Te’o ran to the DJ booth, got on the mic and yelled, “I hate you, 50 Cent! It should’ve been you who went to jail, not Ja Rule.” Surprisingly, many attendees erupted in applause, leading the DJ to play Ja Rule’s “Put It On Me.” Shout out to Lil’ Mo, the successful years.
As for Nick Kasa: “I just laughed when he played Frank Ocean’s ‘Forrest Gump.’ So what he’s a jerk? You think they’re going to be any nicer in an NFL locker room?”
Still, the irony wasn’t lost on Kasa. “Isn’t it kind of gay to get a guy drunk and watch whether or not he gets an erection from a stripper? It became a little uncomfortable, especially when 50 wanted to follow me to the back room.”
“I wasn’t trying to make it into a peep show, but I had to make sure they didn’t go back into the back and start talking about last night’s The Real Housewives of Atlanta.”
Is watching that gay? “No,” 50 explained, “But you don’t snicker about bickering women with a butt naked women in front of you, feel me?”
Once Kasa “passed his test” 50 turned his sights elsewhere: To himself.
“He started nagging me about what ‘the kids,’’cause he’s trying to become popular again. I’ve already got one uncle who still tries to be cool. I don’t need another.”
All and all, 50 feels confident about Kasa, but isn’t so sure about Te’o following the temper tantrum.
“I don’t know about that one. Even if he’s gay, he’s kinda whiny. That might be good if you’re a singer named The-Weeknd, but ain’t nobody trying to be around that s**t in the locker room.”