Drake doesn't suck, and nine other things that need to be corrected, just in case.
As your Mayan prophecy minding-mama has probably already explained to you, the world as we know it is supposedly set to end on December 21, 2012. Yes, before the Obamas lead the nation in the wobble at the second inauguration; before Beyoncé dips it, pops it, twirks it, stops it at the Super Bowl halftime show; and sadly, before you get to recite your favorite 2 Chainz lyrics to Houston strippers during the next NBA All-Star Game. Damn, damn, damn and all that.
Those of us not into wasting idle time watching YouTube prophets pretend they’re Nostradamus don’t believe the world will end this week, but just in case, here are 10 truths we all need to accept should Mother Earth implode.
Drake Is Not The Worst Artist To Ever Live
Look, Aubrey Graham can be a bit whiny, and if Aaliyah were still with us, I don’t doubt that she might’ve had had to file a restraining order against the creeper. Still, his music is cool and he’s really not any less emo than your average rapper – he’s basically DMX becoming better in touch with his feelings after several anger management courses and intensive therapy.
We Are All Wrong As Hell For Letting Chris Brown Have So Many Chances And Not Bobby Brown
It’s really not fair that the genius behind “Roni,” “Don’t Be Cruel,” and “Rock ‘Wit Cha” hasn’t gotten as many chances as Ike Turner in lighter packaging.
Popeye’s Chicken Is The Best Fried Chicken In The World
I’ve had friends tell me that Colonel Sanders has Annie the Chicken Queen’s bosses beat when it comes to deep fried breasts, but the devil is a botched taste bud liar. The only competition is maybe your geriatric granny during the holidays.
Uncut Wasn’t That Bad
Don’t act like you never sang along to Black Jesus’ “Tell Me What Thang Smell Like It” at least once. You should’ve told your badass kids to stay asleep when grown folks’ music videos are on anyway. For the record, though, YouTube is Uncut’s revenge. Take that, take that.
Michael Jackson Looked Okay As A Puerto Rican
Maybe the late King of Pop and my namesake had vitiligo or maybe he just went overboard with the surgery and bleaching cream from Kim’s Beauty Supply. Whatever the case, his look during the Bad era (aka his DeBarge look) wasn’t so bad. Had he stayed looking like El DeBarge’s androgynous brother, he would’ve scared less people in the 1990’s and 2000’s and convinced Lil’ Kim to respect her limits.
President Obama Is Wrong For Being So Anti-Weed
President Obama’s “War on Weed” has been written about extensively and every new piece makes his stance all the more frustrating. How can anyone with Newport mouth be so contemptuous of mood-boosting marijuana (allegedly…and I heard that from others, I swear)?
The South Saved Hip-Hop
I miss 1994 rap too, but it’s not the South’s fault that it’s been the only region carrying much of the load in the last decade. Have some sweet tea and chill, purists. Let’s focus on the real enemy: Will.I.Am. Don’t tell your mama about the beef, though. She and Oprah love that man.
Those Butt Shots Are Going To Look Bad Sooner Rather Than Later
That cartoon booty might get women plenty of likes on Instagram now, but if you bought those cheek shots on clearance, there’s a chance it’s gonna look and feel like cement by sixty. Next time squat it out.
Reality TV Has Been Good To Us
I’ll never understand how anyone who’s watched Love & Hip Hop: Atlanta could ever hate reality television. Nor do I ever want to.
You Are Not Leaving Instagram
Yes, it is wrong for Instagram to sell your photos to advertisers and not break you off a little piece of the piece, particularly if Flickr can partner with Getty Images to sell stock photos from some users. Still, you can’t exactly earn a profit from repurposing other copyrighted material. And really, all those shirtless photos you posted were the virtual equivalent of giving it up for free anyhow.