After three seasons of futility, Cleveland Cavaliers owner, Dan Gilbert hasn’t taken the losing well. On the brink of a pivotal season in his franchise's history, Gilbert sat down in his lonely office one night, drowned himself in Rozay out of a gold chalice while “Marvin’s Room” pounded the base on his speakers beside a dimly lit candle, scrolled through his contacts and built up the courage to make amends with his franchise’s former employee of the year.
Dan Gilbert: ‘Sup champ.
15 minutes later.
Gilbert: I know you’re online. C’mon LB. I’m just congratulating you on your third title. I take it things have been going well since the last time we were
LeBron: Dan? You should have just written me another letter in Comic Sans.
Gilbert: Nothing’s been the same since ya left. For a while we just listened to Drake all night inside our arena suite. Only thing we’ve won since the Summer of 2010 have been a pair of draft lotteries.
LeBron: Funny. Only thing I’ve lost lately was my halfhearted campaign for the NBPA presidency. At least y’all got Kyrie Irving out of it. I know Drake. He partied with us the night we celebrated our second straight title.
Gilbert: I’ve been bumpin’ that Nothing Was the Same for the past week and a half.
LeBron: Drake kills it on Track 8 ("Hold On, We’re Going Home")
Gilbert: Yessss, it definitely resonates.
LeBron: Yanno, they just shot the music video in Miami?
Gilbert: Oh. Didn’t know artists actually shot videos anymore. Our first two years with Kyrie have been rocky, but we got big things planned for 2013. Pretty modest expectations though compared to the third straight championship champagne campaign you’re about to kick off in a few weeks.
When you get a chance, tell ya boy Drizzy to check out the Cavs this season. Kyrie's about to make everyone forget Derrick Rose and Russell Westbrook. Our GM Chris Grant has been busy assembling a playoff-caliber roster around Kyrie. We’ve got a pair of young Toronto cats lighting it up on the floor for us next season. Tristan Thompson is still trying to figure out which hand he wants to shoot with, but once he makes up his mind, he’ll be a force in the post.
Anthony Bennett is the UNLV kid we shocked the world with when we picked him No.1. Once we figure out what forward position he plays we’ll be on our way to the top.
LeBron: That sounds awesome. Good for you.
Gilbert: It’s a work in progress. Just curious, but when does your contract expire?
LeBron: It’s complicated. I’ve got a player-option for 2014. I thought everybody knew that. Maverick and the crew think I should exercise my opt-out it next summer and get max money from the Heat, Knicks or Lakers.
Gilbert: You know, the locals still mention your name down here. LeBron this, LeBron that. They’ve let bygones be bygones.
LeBron: So what’s up with these kindergarteners in Cleveland making me sound like a deadbeat dad and asking Kyrie if he’s gonna skip town like I did? You’re not trying to pitch me on returning are you?
Gilbert: Nah, you misunderstand -- that would be tampering. This is just a conversation between two old friends…
LeBron: We were work acquaintances.
Gilbert: …catching up. We can just maintain the type of relationship you had with Pat Riley back when you were with Cleveland.
Gilbert: Did I mention we signed Andrew Bynum? With Bynum and Anderson Varejao in the mix, fans would be too busy staring at the evolving hair show in our frontcourt to keep tracking the pace of your receding hairline. At the very least Bynum’s rim protection and a healthy Anderson Varejao should improve our atrocious defense. Best case-scenario, Bynum returns to playing like the second-best big man in the league.
LeBron: Oh yeah, Greg Oden said he and Bynum go to the same orthopedic surgeon. In retrospect, I’m glad Danny [Ferry] never closed that deal for Amar’e.
Gilbert: Just consider it for Varejao then. You know he led the league in offensive rebounding percentage last season? You can never have too many guards. Jarrett Jack is coming off of our bench and Dion Waiters is going to establish himself as one of the premier 2-guards in the league this year. For now he’s like a young James Harden. Our best-kept secret off the bench. However, just wait until he finds his bearings. Remember what he did to Birdman?
Those are bunny hops reminiscent of a “young” D-Wade. That’s what B. Scott used to call him in practice.
But, we could use a wing scorer to put us over the hump.
LeBron: That’s a ton of potential. Cavs have to make the playoffs first. You guys couldn’t even hit the water from a kayak last season. Finishing 29th in field goal percentage again won’t get you anywhere. No max free agent wants to walk into a situation where they’re hoisting a team of scrubs onto their shoulders anymore. This is a new age.
LeBron: I’ll think about it, but I still remember them burning my No. 23 jerseys.
Gilbert: You still mad about that. You don’t even wear 23 anymore.
Gilbert: If you want to play on a younger, championship-quality roster, this is the place to be.
LeBron: Go out there on the court and prove it then.
Gilbert: Cool, see ya in the postseason. Hit us up next summer. Take Care.