After several weeks of back and forth negotiations, an alleged public curse out between the Speaker of the House of Representatives and the Senate Majority Leader, a call to Vice President Biden and a “please, baby please” plea to Democrats and the thirty sane Republicans left, Congress finally reached an agreement with the White House on the widely publicized “fiscal cliff.”
We already know what the likes of John Boehner, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Mitch McConnell and Eric Cantor make of the deal, but what do celebrities like Rick Ross, Fantasia, 2 Chainz, Lil’ Wayne, and Azealia Banks have to say on the matter?
In this week’s roundtable, the stars opine on the pressing financial issues facing the country in 2013.
Rick Ross: John Boehner ain’t a boss. Why he let his GOP folk embarrass him like that? I’m saying, if I introduced a Plan B, you better pop that s—t like you’re trying to avoid nine-months of weight gain, you feel? If he the boss, call the shots. Be on the murder team, get Dems to call the cops.
Azealia Banks: Well, to be fair, like, President Obama kind of punked out when he said he wouldn’t budge on the Bush tax cuts for people making over $250,000 expiring. Isn’t it now like at $400,000? Like, that’s sort of wack, right? Like, so what? The middle class includes people making up to $400,000. That’s like crazy, right?
Nicki Minaj: And this “fiscal cliff” law apparently includes breaks for racetrack owners and moviemakers? As if they need more help.
Rick Ross: But hold up, Nick, didn’t you vote for Romney? Isn’t that something he would’ve done?
Nicki Minaj: You guys! I was just kidding. I didn’t vote for Romney. That’s why I said “I did a freestyle then I got a shout out from Obammer." I was just doing that for attention, silly.
Azealia Banks: Shocker.
Nicki Minaj: Watch it, lil’ mama. Anyway, as I was saying before I was so rudely shaded: I didn’t vote for Romney.
2 Chainz: You didn’t vote at all, right? Like TMZ said you’re not registered.
Azealia Banks: They also said you were two years older than what you’ve been claiming.
Nicki Minaj: I don’t like politics.
Lil’ Wayne: All I need to know is how much more do I have to pay in taxes? I just paid almost $8 million in back taxes.
Rick Ross: You ain’t got nothing to worry about, man. Uncle Sam can’t clock the cash from the drug stash, man. Ain’t that right, codeine cowboy?
2 Chainz: There’s enough bad storytelling in Washington, sir. Let’s save the drug folklore for our collaboration on the next album, playboy.
Fantasia: CAN SOMEONE EXPLAIN TO MEEE WHAT ALL THIS FISCAWL CLIFF STUFF MEANS? IS CLIFF HUXTABLE INVOLVED?
Azealia Banks: Oh, girl.
2 Chainz: So check it, Tasie Mae. Say the 1st of the month is coming and you know you’ve got to get your bills paid. Thing is, you can always dig in the money pile to pay off your debts, but first you’ve got to decide with your other half on where all your money is going to go.
Fantasia: Before they repossess your SLK 350?
2 Chainz: Not exactly, but the cousins you look after might throw a brick through your window for leaving them in the cold. Anyway, you gotta make sure you keep the lights on, put some money down on the ride, keep yourself fed – and send a little something to those that need it. But you know, you got that other half and they are stingy as hell. They don’t want to look after anyone else anymore. They’re stingy as hell.
Nicki Minaj: Or maybe they’re just trying to be responsible with their own dollars instead of taking care of people who need to get up and find a job.
Kerry Washington: See, right there. That’s that Republican bullshit.
Azealia Banks: She probably let the Romney-Ryan ticket hold something, heifer.
Fantasia: NICKI? YOU DON’T LIKE MI’CHELLE OBAMAMA? WHY? SHE PRETTY!
2 Chainz: Wait, we got to get back on track, Ms. Collard Greens and Cornbread. The other half – yeah, let’s just call them conservatives – only want the money to go to the basics. They don’t want to give any money to your folks who need a little something to get by. They also don’t want to pay anything more than the minimum on the bills?
Fantasia: But why, though?!
Kerry Washington: ‘Cause those hoes are stingy, you heard me?
Azealia Banks: Hold on, why do you sound like Momma Dee, though?
Fantasia: So what happens next, Uncle 2 Tity Boi Chainz?
2 Chainz: Well, after a big back and forth, the Democrats agreed to let the Republicans put more on the credit card bill, only not as much as they wanted. In exchange of that, the Republicans agreed to let your cousins to keep eating via unemployed insurance. Unfortunately, the GOP made sure that the government gets a little bit more out of your check.
Fantasia: BUT ARE ALL THE BILLS PAID NOW? IS THE CHINESE FINNA CALL US LIKE, “BITCH, WHERE MY MONEY AT?”
2 Chainz: Slow down, you’re talking about the debt ceiling. Focus. Basically, Obama and ‘em get some of the right to pay a little more, the poor still get to have a lil’ something, and both sides are spitting on the paper they wrote the bill on. Oh, they still gotta fight over some other stuff in two months, though – cuts to defense and entitlement programs, plus getting the credit line raised so Massa China won’t be pissed.
Fantasia: THAT SOUNDS LIKE SOME BULL!
2 Chainz: YEAAAAH!