By now you’ve come to hear stories chronicling how Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te'o is either a cynical, sinfully ambitious media whore or a bumbling idiot who should’ve taken his socially awkward self to ChristianMingle.com if he was about that online dating life. Both angles are entertained in this week’s celebrity roundtable where celebrity relationship advice experts such as Steve Harvey and reality stars like Tami Roman, who has had relationships with professional athletes, offer Te’o some advice on the best way to seek companionship post-controversy.
Steve Harvey: Nobody is going into a relationship that looks like it’s nothing but trouble. That’s normally what I tell the women, who for one reason or another, watched The Steve Harvey Show on the WB and thought, “Yeah, that brother knows a whole lot about love! Let me buy his book.” But in this instance, the same rules apply. Women are going to look at Te’o and think, “That’s not good.” So I say, it’s time to get rid of your baggage. Donate it to Goodwill, if you can.
Tami Roman: First of all, that’s some bull. Women are not going to look at Manti Make Believe and say, “Oh, girl, I can’t date him. He’s got baggage.” They’re going to think, “well, he’s still going to get drafted.” Well, a certain type of woman anyway. He can have all the baggage he wants; they’ll be too busy thinking about the Louis Vuitton baggage they’re going to buy with his NFL and dating site endorsement money.
Steve Harvey: So you don’t think he needs to get himself together first?
Tami Roman: Oh hell yes. I didn’t say he wasn’t a damn fool, I’m just saying that’s not going to stop him from getting girls. Not that I really believe him for a minute. What kind of college football player you know, that doesn’t know how to get girls? Better yet, what man in 2013 into meeting chicks from the Internet doesn’t know about Skype, Oovoo, Instagram, Facetime, and Gchat with video?
Steve Harvey: You got me there. It’s very simple, really. How many times does a person have to say “My camera broke” before you begin to wonder whether you’ve been Catfished with a side of yams and macaroni and cheese?
Tami Roman: You know what I started thinking when I heard about this story?
Tami Roman: I mean, if you catch my drift.
Steve Harvey: That’s my jam, right there? You hear me? Let’s call Ron Isley after this wraps, okay?
Tyrese: Now, now, now. Wait a minute. I think you’re missing the vision when it’s right in front of you. Fortunately for you, I am the VISION IMPLEMENTER so I am here to help you. Manti was looking for a woman of GOD, which is so hard to find, hence him therefore turning to the Internet in his search. It was the DEVIL who fooled him, you see.
Tami Roman: I’ve always wondered why all of a sudden you started to think you’re God’s errand boy. If anyone would have that duty, wouldn’t it be Will Smith or I don’t know, Jamie Foxx, since he’s got the Grammy and the Oscar?
Tyrese: But, does he have a book with Rev. Run coming out? See, look at you. Trying to cloudy the vision. I rebuke you, Satan. In the name of 20/20 vision having Jesus.
Iyanla Vanzant: Brother Coca Cola crooner is correct. Before Manti can find a true love, he has to find his true self. When you don’t know who you are, you attract the same sort of falsehood. God wants to bring people who are in perfect alignment with us, but if we are not to thine own self true, the universe issues us a speeding ticket. And you got to go to spiritual traffic court to settle the score and only then will God put you back in the HOV lane of love.
Tyrese: That’s right, Sister Iyanla. Toot, toot, hey, beep, beep. That’s exactly why Manti attracted a bad girl and not a righteous one.
Tami Roman: What in the hell did they just say?
Steve Harvey: Something about heathens and traffic court. Forgive me, I tend to tune the voodoo woman out when she starts talking and think about shrimp etouffee and old LaBelle performances of “Lady Marmalade” instead.
Iyanla Vanzant: Watch yourself, Mr. Hightower. Don’t let the funk hit the fan.
Tami Roman: I got an idea. An idea sent from heaven. It’s so clear I can see it without my reading glasses.
Iyanla Vanzant: Go on, abominable Basketball Wife. Speak your vision, let it manifest and blossom like a check from Harpo, Inc.
Tami Roman: Isn’t Mitt Romney Mormon, too?
Tyrese: Yes, why?
Tami Roman: I mean, he and Ann ain’t got nothing to do now, so why not someone tell texting Te’o to reach out to him. I’m sure they can help their fellow Church of Jesus Christ and Latter Day Saints believer get a lay. They must know plenty of virgin drink sipping, caffeine-hating girls that would be perfect for him. He gets a girl with actual medical records and I get to leave out of here before catching another case for strangling Fake Religious Ren and Stimpy.
Steve Harvey: Now you know what I’m going to say, Tami.
Tami Roman: I’ll call FedEx and see if we can have his baggage shipped elsewhere.