Gen. David H. Petraeus shocked people last week when he quit his post as CIA Director – writing in his resignation letter that he exercised “extremely poor judgment by engaging in an extramarital affair.” Shortly thereafter, all the details from Petraeus’ sidepiece-enhanced sex life poured out – reminding us all how even our most celebrated military personnel can fall victim to hoe-shit. But what can Petraeus learn in the wake of his scandal besides the limitations of Gmail’s privacy settings? In the latest celebrity roundtable, Petraeus non-intelligence community peers sound off on the scandal.
Pat Robertson (television evangelist): I honestly don’t see the big deal. Have you seen that Paula Broadwell?
Pat Robertson: I mean, that’s a good-looking woman. Plus, she’s a marathon runner so you can imagine what those legs look like when they’re wrapped around you. Gosh, the thought alone makes me want to pray right now. You can’t expect a man to turn that down. I mean, he’s alone, he’s lonely, and this good looking woman with some triathlon thighs is saying, “Look back at it.” I think they call that propinquity. It means nearness brings on the nakedness. C’mon, he’s a man, so naturally it’s hard not to stay away. Let the general do his penance and let us hope that hussy closes her legs around married men. What sense does it make to allow this to ruin a highly decorated career?
Joseline Hernandez (Love and Hip Hop: Atlanta): Ain’t you that man who used to be on TV talking about the world ending because gay people went to school or some sh-t? You was old then. How come you ain’t dead and washing Satan’s short set in hell yet?
Pat Robertson: Are you one of those Taiwanese surgical success story abominations or something? If my God did send me to damnation to do the Devil’s laundry, you’d be in charge of drying.
Mashonda (R&B singer, ex-wife of Swizz Beats): I cannot believe what I’m hearing. You know, as the founder of A.L.I.C.I.A. I have to say that I find Petraeus’ treatment of his wife, Holly, absolutely deplorable.
Joseline Hernandez: Hold up. Who Alicia?
Mashonda: A.L.I.C.I.A. is an acronym that stands for those “Against Lying Inconsiderate Cheating Idiotic Alpha-males.” It’s a support group for scorned wives. Need I remind the false prophet that Petraeus is in control of where he pokes and that he wasn’t just banging his biographer.
Joseline Hernandez: Oh, girl, you still mad about Swizz Beatz leaving you for Alicia?
Pat Robertson: Alicia? Is that the one not named Beyoncé and who doesn’t date Whitney Houston’s ex-husband’s nephew? Either way, perhaps you ought to try Christinamingle.com, ma’am.
Mashonda: I AM FINE! Our country is the one who needs looking after. We entrust people like Petraeus with massive amounts of government intel. The information they hold literally can cost the lives of Americans worldwide. How are you going to guard secrets when you’re emailing both your mistresses from your government email address and when one of them breaks into your Google mail account?
Mashonda: So again, I ask: DO YOU WANT TO HEAR ALICIA PLEASE SING “GIRL ON FIRE” ON SOME FUTURE TELETHON? FOR A DISASTER THAT COULD’VE BEEN PREVENTED IF NOT FOR AN AGENT THAT SHOULD’VE KEPT HIS DI-K IN A BOX? DO YOU?
Joseline: Settle down, baby girl. You need some brown liquor.
Mashonda: No, I won’t allow it. I let this happen before and I won’t let it happen again!
Swizz Beatz (producer, DJ): Yo, first of all, that’s Carrie from Homeland’s line, and secondly, this army dude ain’t even like me. David Petraeus is more like the Steebie J of the intelligence community.
Joseline: Either get on his bus and ride or don’t.
Mashonda: Well, he let someone off the bus and look what happened.
Stevie J ( Love & Hip-Hop: Atlanta): I have to agree with the angry singer to my left. This dude is wrong. I mean, emailing your mistresses? Who does that when you have iMessage?
Joseline: You right, baby. That is dumb. It's like he never watched a James Bond or Austin Powers movie.
Stevie J: My bus isn’t driving to Langley, Virginia every day so y’all can’t compare that cat to me. I'm blown at how the person in charge of our national security can't hide his own dirt. We should all be afraid.
Mashonda: YOU KNOW!
Pat Robertson: This is why I don’t talk to Black people.
Swizz Beatz: So what does he do now?
Stevie J: The hell if I know. It’s hard to keep up with dude’s story. This is like Scandal on speed.
Mashonda: And we all know that show moves too fast.
Joseline: Hell yeah.
Stevie J: I mean, he should probably apologize to his wife, too. That is, if he’s into that kind of thing. Nah, he should do it. That way she won’t do a book or a reality show or something.
Mashonda: What about the hoes, man? The hoes. For the record, he’s a hoe, too.
Joseline: Oh, I know, he should get that app where you can lock the texts on your iPhone. What’s the one you use, baby?
Stevie J: Handcent. He should be more up on game.