The one-hour special won’t be premiering until spring, but, already, Shawty Lo’s All My Babies’ Mamas has generated an ample amount of press – though largely linked to protest from upstanding Negroes and the Parents Television Council, who use phrasing like “grotesquely irresponsible and exploitive” to describe the Atlanta rapper’s Oxygen reality series. Will it really be that bad? Should we send a preemptive iMessage to Jesse?
In this week’s roundtable, we get some of hip-hop’s best-known dads and a few other outspoken stars to weigh in on the fertile – not at all condom-friendly – southern emcee and all his babies’ mamas.
Ice-T: First off, is it me or does this dude sound like he’s waiting for Django to unchain him, too? Not to already get off topic, but ever notice that ATL natives call it “Alannah.” And did that man just say “mi-nay” instead of money? This show shouldn’t air, if for no other reason than it’ll short-circuit thousands of TVs overworking to provide closed captioning.
LL Cool J: Funny that you’re here, Ice, ‘cause, while watching Shawty Lo’s trailer, I noticed how young his kids’ moms are and thought: "In the criminal justice system, sexually-based offenses are considered ... these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad called the Special Victims Unit. These are their stories.”
T.I.: Aye, T, don’t be like that, pimpin’. A little twang never hurt nobody, ya dig? As an intelligent man such as myself sees it, I think we as a community are making this show out to be more than what it is. The producers of this television special have released a statement in the protest in which they do declare that Mr. Lo’s special is – and I quote – “Oxygen’s one-hour special in development is not meant to be a stereotypical representation of everyday life for any one demographic or cross section of society. It is a look at one unique family and their complicated, intertwined life.”
Diddy: In other words, y’all motherf**kers on Twitter and on the blogs need to live and let live. Shawty Lo’s high sperm count doesn’t mean every Black man is out here making babies with multiple women.
T.I. Indeed, good sir. Now, Shawty and I have had our issues in the past, but even I worry about this being blown out of proportion. I suggest we move on to more pressing matters worthy of our attention – and we should go and do it expeditiously!
Diddy: Tip, it’s been so long since I’ve heard that word. Say, after we end this roundtable, you want to go and talk about doing a remake of Lean on Me?
T.I.: Fo’ sho.
Jada Pinkett Smith: Unless you find a way to work in my man or Madea, that project probably won’t get green-lit. Anyhow, since we’re talking about high sperm counts and Black people making babies all over, how many children do you have, Puff? And how many mommies are there again?
Lil’ Wayne: That ain’t even right, Mrs. Fresh Prince.
Jada Pinkett Smith: Neither is getting two people knocked up at the same damn time, Weezy Makes Too Many Babies.
Diddy: Shouldn’t you be somewhere wiping Willow Smith’s tears?
Ice-T: Yeah, why is that kid so damn sad, anyway? She thinks those monsters in the sky you all worship now – forgive me, allegedly worship – are hiding under her bed or something?
Jada Pinkett Smith: Can we focus?
Bill Cosby: I would just like to highlight that I warned you uneducated, buffoonish Negroes about your wayward ding-dongs. I told you about them. Standing on the corner, not speaking anything that sounds close to English. “Why you ain’t? Where you is? You know what I’m saying?” How in the hell would I know, unless I forgot everything I was taught starting at age seven.
Ice-T: Aww, hell. Sweaters is in the what, LL?
LL Cool J: In the house!
Bill Cosby: I’m in the house, alright. And I’m ready to kick down the door and wave…
Diddy: …the 4-4!
Bill Cosby: What? No, Negro. Now hush up while your elders are speaking. These kids today don’t know nothing about diddly or squat and I can’t even completely fault the little knuckleheads, when they got daddies named Shawty Lo and 47 mothers between them. I warned my community’s parents to have tighter reins on their kids. Know what your children are doing. This man is raising the seven dwarfs, Lilo and Stich, Olivia, plus cousin Pam. Those young people are doomed and it’s a damn shame.
Lil’ Wayne: Mr. Jello looks ready to go Papa Joe Jackson on one of us in a second. Might I ask a question, though, sir?
Bill Cosby: Hurry up, green teardrops.
Lil’ Wayne: Do you think All My Babies Mamas will come close to even the reruns of The Cosby Show in terms of popularity?
Bill Cosby: Hell no, ball so hard you can always find Cos’. Now that sh*t cray. That isn’t my point, though. That shifty Negro is a testament to the testimony I gave. It’s about time you spread the word…and say church.
Ice-T: So what are you trying to say, Shawty Lo is such an embarrassment that I might need to call Olivia about him, but ignore his Oxygen show because Centric airs a lot of The Cosby Show reruns?
Diddy: I think what he’s getting at is that we’ve got TV dads like him, and then folks like me – who at least can name all their children without getting a headache midway.
Ice-T: So what?
Lil’ Wayne: So watch the reruns or some Rachel Maddow the night the show airs and let it go.
Jada Pinkett Smith: Still – make a call to Benson about Lo, though.