In honor of the most wonderful time of the year for consumers, credit card companies, and churchgoers, this week’s celebrity roundtable tackles the biggest holiday of the year. The stars exchange Christmas gifts and explain the thought behind each gesture. From English lessons to muzzles to anti-depressants, see how the famous get festive.
Ice-T: Rick Ross is as much a trap star as a snotty nose kid wearing a plastic Burger King crown is the heir to England’s throne. Here’s a bootleg copy of all my episodes on New York Undercover. Watch and learn how to really play a gangster.
Rihanna: I used to think she was me with a penis, but after watching a few more episodes of Love & Hip Hop: Atlanta, I know Joseline Hernadez is really just me with a premium Gold’s Gym membership. Although I may live for her, I have a hard time hearing her and comprehending. From one strong accent to another, you’re a star, but you can be an even bigger star once the Americans understand you a little better. So here’s a copy of Rosetta Stone. You’ve already got the body, looks, and fan base. All you need now is subject-verb agreement and the world is yours, baby girl.
Ne-Yo: I got my man Chris Brown a journal and a muzzle. With all due respect to my fellow Michael Jackson enthusiast, if you’re trying to stop controversy from following you, you’ve got three options: Learn to channel your rage on a therapist’s couch; stop popping off on Twitter and Instagram and try jotting your thoughts down in a journal; and, for real, stop talking, seriously, dude.
Trey Songz: I’d like to get Ne-Yo some business, since he’s spent so much of this year speaking on everyone else’s.
Bow Wow: Since Rihanna is saying she’s single, I’d like to volunteer my services. You know, my gift to you, girl.
Omarion: Well, I had these Air Jordan XX8’s for you, Bow, but I guess I’ll take them back and exchange them for a clue.
Big Sean: Look, don’t tell nobody, Kim Kardashian, but here’s a key to the storage room Kanye put all your clothes in. I mean, he’s my boss and your boyfriend, but yo, he’s been having you look crazy.
Chad Johnson: Speaking of Kimberly and playing dress up. I wanted to give Kanye West a real doll to play with. Don’t worry, dude, society is changing and since you’re such a trendsetter, go ahead and show the world a new way.
Kanye West: Since I’m missing the pot I wanted to give Chad to go with his kettle, I’d like to set him up with a profile on Monster.com. ‘cause Lamborghini mercy, if you don’t get a job soon the repo man gon’ get real thirsty.
Karrine Steffans: Well, I, too, have a key to give, only it’s the key to my heart, which I want to give to Lil’ Wayne. I love you now and forever, baby.
Lil’ Wayne: I’m going to take that key and forward it to some other sucker.
Foxy Brown: Guys, I love Nicki Minaj because I see so much of myself in her. We’re both from New York. She calls herself Harajuku Barbie and I used to pretend I was Asian. But, the trait we share is popping off on anyone that does or says anything we don’t like. That helped ruin my career and I don’t want the same to happen to Nicki. So, here’s some of my Xanax. Take it when you feel a little anxious…or whenever you’re around Mariah Carey.
Beyoncé: I think from now until um, maybe February, I’m probably not going to release any music. So Ciara, Kelly, Brandy, Ashanti, Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, Bashful, Sneezy, and Dopey: This time is yours to enjoy before I snatch all the attention away . Feliz Navidid, y’all.
Naomi Campbell: No one knows the benefits of therapy more than I do and I’d really like to pay for a few sessions for Stevie J. Oh, and as an early birthday gift, I’d come to show “Steebie” how to make faces that don’t look like he taught Leonardo, Donatello, Michaelangelo, and Raphael the art of ninjutsu in a New York City sewer.
T-Pain: This is more of a request, but I’d like for Future to give me my gimmick back.
Diddy: I’d like to give Ma$e this YouTube clip. I know it must feel great to know that I’ve finally let you out of your Bad Boy contract, but that’s only because in 2012 I could make more money selling the sound of me eating Funyuns than I would selling your music. Enjoy this trip down memory lane.