What‘cha gonna do when Hulkamania runs wild on you? Those of us who remember the days of the WWF know the answer to that question…or at least thought we did. Now the world knows how Hulk Hogan rolls when having relations, thanks to his sex tape with the wife of radio host Bubba the Love Sponge going viral. Hollywood Hogan reportedly had permission to smash the homie’s other half, but that hasn’t stopped him from doing a media blitz to express his sorrow, regret, embarrassment, and all those other things famous people who fornicate on film say to diffuse and/or capitalize on the situation.
Should Hogan be remorseful? Does he need to just grab the situation by the balls the way he grabbed Heather Clem’s legs in the explicit clip? We’ve gathered past celebrity sex tape stars for a roundtable to give Hulk some clarity on what to do after being caught. (Not really, but still…)
Hulk Hogan: Fee-fi-fo-fum, what happens when the world see’s whether or not you’re hung? Y’know something brother, I’ve been through a lot of things – the steroid scandal, my ex-wife body-slamming the freak out of me in our divorce settlement, Suburban Commando – but never have I been this embarrassed. Oh yeah, it’s been hard to live, with, man. All my fans been asking me, “Hulk, how could you be so stupid? Hulkster, don’t you know you’re an American hero? Hollywood, why didn’t you shoot from the neck down?” I tell you something, guys, when it comes crashing down, and it hurts inside, ya' gotta take a stand, it don't help to hide. I hurt my friends, I hurt my pride, so I gotta be a man, I can’t let it slide.
Pamela Anderson: First of all, you need to calm down. I mean, take it from me, in this day and age one can only go up after showing the world how you go down. I understand you’re scared right now, but you’ll be okay, Big Guy. As far as trashy blondes who have done sex tapes go, you’re in great company: Me, Paris Hilton, that Jenna girl from Survivor, Carrie Prejean, Kendra Wilkinson. Don’t you feel better already?
Tommy Lee: Yo, bro, saw your tape. You may have those 24-inch pythons, but I’m the Hulkamaniac in this arena.
Pamela: Tommy, don’t you have some advice?
Tommy: If you’re not bigger than me, don’t hit record. I liked Macho Man more, anyhow. Oh yeah, dig it.
Kim Kardashian: OMG! Eww! Eww! EWWW! And Hulk, shame on you. You were such a positive influence in the 1980s. We totally used to dress up Rob as Miss Elizabeth when Khloé used to pretend to be you. I’m so, so disappointed in you. Have you not learned my from my mistake? Don’t you know the consequences for these actions?
Paris Hilton: God, I hate you and your fat ass. I can’t believe your lazy blowjob is going to get your Elmer’s Glue face mother a daytime talk show. Bitch. You stole my life!
Kim: I don’t remember your name, but we’re here to talk about Hulk Hogan’s failures, not yours.
Paris: Whatever. A Sgt. Slaughter sex tape would’ve been hotter. I so envy your tan and tits, though, guy.
Ray J: You know what’s hot in the streets? A thank you…which Kimmy refuses to offer me. That’s alright, though. The world knows I made you a star. Speaking of, look, Hulk, with all due respect, you’re like 75 in wrestler years and 103 in celebrity ones; so you need to see this from the positive and stop whining, “Woe is me and my wayward peen.” For the first time in a long while, people have wanted to see you wrestle, just not the way you’re used to. Capitalize on that sh*t man! You need a connect to VH1? I got you…so long as you got me on the production credit tip. Don’t pull no Kardashian on me, brother.
Justin Bieber: Wait, why am I here? What is a Hulk Hogan? The green thing from The Avengers?
Kim: Rudeness, Biebs.
Ray J: Word is you had “personal footage” stolen from your computer. We all know what that means.
Justin Bieber: Dude, it’s just me a tape of me praying.
Kim, Pam, Tommy, Ray J, Hulk: Suuuure.
John Edwards: That excuse didn’t work for me, young man, and it won’t work with you.
Tommy Lee: By the way, congratulations on finally singing like your balls have dropped. I can take back my comment, “Why is it that the hot chicks never can sing?”
Hulk: Brothers, can we get back to me?
Ray J: That’s not what I read.
Paris: Old guy, listen to the Blacks, take the money and get your breast lifted. At least people are talking about you.
Kim: Even if people like me are disappointed, all will be forgiven when the next sexual deviant with marginal fame drops trousers and their tape of it on Twitter…any second now.
John Edwards: You’ll always be this guy, only now you’re also the guy who shamefully commits adultery and makes a sex tape out of it. Hey, it happens.
Ray J: But just don’t turn into a hoe over some hoe sh!t.
Pam: You’ve already let Hulkamania run wild.
Kim: Might as well get to the money now…but you know, always say you’re very, very sad and embarrassed by it all whenever asked.