It's Cuffing Season
...When thousands of folks start scrambling to lock down a winter boo-thang.
By Michael Arceneaux November 13, 2012, 02:49 AM EST
If the decreasing temperatures across the country haven’t reminded you of what part of the year we’ve reached, your homepages on the Internet nadir known as Facebook should have by now. Ladies and gentleman, Cuffing Season is upon us. For the chaste, the committed, or the clueless, cuffing season is the time of the year when weather patterns shift, sending many on the hunt to find someone who can warm their loins instead of a pair of long johns.
Yes, during the fall and winter months, those who would normally date around and go along without commitment, suddenly decide that they’d like to be tied down by a more regular arrangement. You know, hence the term “cuffed.” Oh, those clever Negroes on the Twitter.
Although cuffing is technically a gender-neutral term, it should be no surprise that men are typically leading the charge. Yeah-yeah-yeah, men are an “awful, awful specimen of people.” Whatever – women get cold, too, so do as you wish with what is about to be shared.
Now, whereas some suddenly want to be in stable relationships once jackets and gloves appear, others still opt for multiples. Which leads to how a lot of folks look at cuffing season: a search for a regular f*** buddy.
No matter whether you stand or sit to use the restroom, if you’re a hopeless romantic, please watch who you lay down with. If you can handle an emotion-deprived, albeit sexually rich arrangement – gold star for you and all that. If you cannot…run far, far away from those seeking such a situation, as it would be as wise a decision for you as rubbing honey across your chest and doing the wobble in the middle of a beehive.
Be advised that I’ve heard many a man mention how there’s different women serving different needs – cooking, who can roll (but only if you’re in Colorado or Washington or something), who they can actually date in public, and who is worth inviting over to enjoy their private joy known as NFL Sunday Ticket.
Likewise, I’ve also heard women note how they divide their winter boos based on which are only serviceable for sex and which ones can actually open their mouths in public and not embarrass the hell out of them on a date.
More times than not, these “cuffys” (yes, that’s corny, but I didn’t coin it) are in varying locations. Why? It’s just easier this way. You’ve seen Love & Hip Hop: Atlanta, haven’t you?
Now where can one find people to “cuff”? I thought to say just venture outside and be sociable, but who does that sh-- anymore? If you’re lazy or socially inept, there’s always social media. Hell, it’s actually made looking for straight sex easier. On Twitter, and more recently Instagram, you can preview body types in ways you typically used to have to pay a $20 cover charge for on Twitter.
I’ve got nothing else to share, ‘cause I have no idea why people make hoeing so much more difficult when it’s colder. If you don’t get it by now, you need to cuff a clue, yourself, or one of those toys Kandi Burruss sells. Ladies and gents: Stock condoms and Merry Christmas.