Are you planning to join the gym and hoping you don’t quit within six weeks, like you’ve done the past two years? Pushing to get your credit score above “LOL” levels by next Black Friday? Working on finally getting closer to that dream that you constantly allude to on your Facebook feed?
While some of your more annoying friends bemoan the fact that January 1 is the day millions choose to make pledges they could technically begin on any given day of the year, the rest of us are too busy jotting down our New Year’s resolutions hoping for the best. The stars are no different; and in this week’s roundtable, we get an inside look into some of their lofty goals for 2013. Wish Trey Songz, R. Kelly, Missy Elliott, and others the luck they’ll need, y’all.
Shawty Lo: I’m going to use the checks I’m going to earn from my new reality show to buy a lifetime supply of condoms and morning after pills.
Evelyn Lozada: Or you could just get that thing sawed off and allow some other people the chance to help repopulate the Earth.
Frank Ocean: I promise to stop sounding like a freshman philosophy major. I know everyone expects me to be deep, but I’m beginning to drown in my own kiddy pool of bullshit. The more I think about it, I can let my music speak for itself. It’s not like I’m the one singing “Bottles Up,” right? Folks should know I have some sense.
Trey Songz: Watch it, Raphael de la Ghetto. We can’t all create love songs based on a fictionalized love affair between Forrest Gump and Bubba, the shrimp fiend. Anyway, my New Year’s resolution is to stop drawing so much inspiration from 12 Play. Instead, I’m going to start borrowing more from Musiq Soulchild.
Frank Ocean: That seat is taken, sir. Try again.
Trey Songz: Uh, Prince?
Trey Songz: Usher?
Miguel: That’ll work. Not like Usher is even doing Usher anymore.
Wyclef Jean: My New Year’s resolution is to stop talking about Lauryn Hill. Book or no book, I need to let go of the past and let the score settle. Yes, that’s a pun, and yes, I find it clever.
R. Kelly: Yo, can you add not wearing a speedo to the list?
Wyclef Jean: Only if you promise to stay out of McDonald’s playland, pimp. Oh, excuse me. Allegedly.
R. Kelly: There you go bringing up old sh*t again.
Missy Elliott: My resolution is to come back a little harder with my new material. Maybe I need to venture out, seek some new producers because I wasn’t getting the reception I anticipated.
Eve: Same here, but don’t worry, Miss. We’ve still got it.
Nicki Minaj: Anyway , my New Year’s resolution is to either hire a new publicist or get my attitude a massage because the more I read about myself, the more I sound like a walking lump of coal.
Quentin Tarantino: True dat, true dat. Wait, that reminds me: I would like to hire a speech coach so I can once and for all perfect my blaccent.
Nicki Minaj: Or, you know, you could like…not try having one anymore. I don’t want to speak for all the Blacks, but I can guarantee a fair share of them can’t stand it when you speak that way.
Eve: Count this Black.
Wyclef Jean: This one, too.
Quentin Tarantino: Count deez.
Nicki Minaj: Watch yourself now. You of all people should know what happens when you piss off the wrong Black man. Now can we move on?
Stevie J: My New Year’s resolution is to keep my bus running, but to make sure I clean up properly for all my passengers.
Eve: After all these years, you’re still a hoe. I hope they name an STD after you.
Stevie J: Don’t be like that, babe. We’ll always have our sex tape.
Karlie Redd: For me, 2013 is about becoming a bigger star on Love & Hip Hop: Atlanta…and to also prove to K. Michelle that my ass is real.
Nicki Minaj: Girl, take it from me, the battle is not yours. Now speaking of things that don’t seem real, Miguel, wouldn’t you like to contribute to the group?
Miguel: What do you mean?
Nicki Minaj: Uh, I think you know.
Miguel: I don’t.
Nicki Minaj: I think you do.
Miguel: Nu uh.
Nicki Minaj: Yuh huh.
Miguel: Why don’t you tell me?
Nicki Minaj: If you’re going to twist my arm, perhaps you could promise to try a little less to impress the world next year.
Lil’ Kim: Flag on the play.
Nicki Minaj: Who let the third ghost from female rap’s past out of her dungeon?
Karlie: You really did try it, though.
Nicki Minaj: Am I missing something?
Miguel: Let’z rap it to you: I am rubber, you are glue, whatever bounces to me sticks to you.
Eve: Say, can I get on the remix?
Miguel: Of course.
Karlie Redd: Oooh, what about me?
Frank Ocean: Seat’s taken.
Nicki Minaj: Watch yourself, Morris Day scalp. You wouldn’t want me to mess up both my New Year’s resolution and your fresh perm, would you?
Alicia Keys: If I could interject, I’d like to return to my diet soul roots in the New Year and put a hose on “Girl On Fire,” dig a deep hole in the ground and bury it out back.
Everyone else: PLEASE.