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Celebrity Roundtable: Let's Help Katt Williams

Iyanla, Dr. Phil, Dr. Drew and even Dr.Oz to the rescue.

By Michael Arceneaux December 06, 2012, 07:56 AM EST

Katt-williams

For a few years now, fans have noticed that Katt Williams enjoyed the occasional stroll on Eccentric Street and a quick two-step up and down Kooky Boulevard whenever the mood suited him. Unfortunately, Katt’s increasingly erratic behavior – i.e. smacking Target employees and hopping on electric scooters to “escape” as if he were on a special pedestrian episode of that old Batman TV show – has heightened concerns that he’s become a permanent resident of Crazy Town.

 

 

Or that he’s seeking becoming mayor of it.

As, uh, interesting as it’s been to watch Katt’s antics, someone’s got to pull the man to the side and lend him a helping hand.

In this week’s roundtable, TV’s trusted physicians plus resident shaman, debate the best way to help Katt get back on the path to making the world laugh on purpose.

 

Iyanla Vanzant: There is something inside of Brother Katt that has stunted his growth. He needs to look deep inside himself, so deep he can clip his toenails from within if he wanted to. And once he’s down there he has to shout. I mean scream, at the top his lungs. He has to spook out the darkness soiling his spirit. What’s happening to Katt can happen to each of us, however, we must remember that when our natural nightlight goes out, we have to search for the light saber on the other side of the rainbow. Always remember: Hakuna matata. It means no worries.

 

Dr. Phil: Oh brother. What in the hell are you talking about, Oda Ma Brown? You’re giving buzzwords and sound bites, which won’t keep Katt out of a straightjacket. I told Oprah not to hire you again, but she’s all, “I need OWN to survive and my people buy what she’s selling.” Well, I left my credit card at home and I’m not writing you a check for that bull you’re trying to peddle. Want to know what I think Katt really needs? Of course you do. What this guy needs is the comfort of physiatrist’s couch and the love of a pharmacist. There, problem solved.

 

Iyanla: You don’t have to be condescending, my brother-in-the-Oprah-come up. I want Katt to win, too. Without him, we will be stuck with Mike Epps. Don’t we deserve better?

 

Dr. Phil: I don’t know who that is, but I’ll check him under not Eddie Murphy. Even so, save your sage and Ouija board for another day. This is a serious matter.

 

Dr. Drew: Well, to be fair to Oda Ma, I think some of what she’s saying has a point. Her Star Wars reference points to the idea of Mr. Williams taking control of his life in order to properly confront his issues. I suspect drug use and I’d like to extend him an invitation to appear on my show. I can help him confront his substance abuse problems.

 

Iyanla: Thank you for the co-sign, beloved, but I am not a fictitious character from a Patrick Swayze movie.

 

Dr. Phil: Right, she’s just fictitious. As for you, Drewbie, of course you want him on your show. You’d offer a celebrity to appear on your show seven seconds after they remove their mouths from a crack pipe. Stay classy.

 

Dr. Drew: As they say, closed mouths don’t get fed.

 

Dr. Phil: Yeah, and they don’t get the help they need talking to you.

 

Dr. Drew: I resent that. I’ve helped plenty of people in Katt’s predicament. In fact, during sweeps maybe we can get Katt, Chad Johnson and Chris Brown to appear on stage together.

 

Dr. Phil: Oh, wouldn’t that be something? They could form a band called The Screw-Ups. Why are we still talking when I already gave this problem a solution?

 

Iyanla: Just a thought, but maybe your way isn’t the only way.

 

Dr. Drew: Message.

 

Dr. Phil: Forgive me. I forgot to conclude with: "Mama-say mama-sah ma-ma-coo-sah.” Is that better for you, Iyanla? Do you feel centered now? 

 

Dr. Oz: I’m not entirely sure why I was invited here. This isn’t really my avenue of expertise.

 

Dr. Phil: No kidding. Right now isn’t the time to debate whether or not Katt’s anxiety suggests he has psychic powers.

 

Dr. Oz: You’re very hostile. You could stand to incorporate more blueberries, sweet potatoes and spinach into your diet. It’s calming.

 

Dr. Phil: Calm deez, pal.

 

Dr. Drew: Can we focus?

 

 

Iyanla: I must admit, his rudeness aside, I do believe Katt could stand to make a doctor’s appointment. If he keeps going around flicking lit cigarettes at people and doing random acts of slapboxing, he’s going to mess around and cross the wrong one. I worry that he’ll be stomped out like a roach someone is trying to kill before company comes over. It won’t be pretty.

 

Dr. Phil: Thank you for using your light saber, Mama Odie. I suppose a few sprinkles of sage over your head while humming “Circle of Life” never hurt anyone’s recovery efforts.

 

Dr. Drew: Say, if that happens, you’ve got to let me know so I can call my camera crew.

 

Dr. Phil: Man, shut up before I smack you like you’re wearing a red shirt.

Michael_arceneaux

Michael Arceneaux is a Houston-bred, Howard-educated writer and blogger. You can read more of his work on his site, The Cynical Ones. Follow him on Twitter: @youngsinick

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