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Celebrity Roundtable: American Idol

Fake accents and side-eyes dominate the show now. John Legend, Mary J. Blige, Chris Brown and others try to make sense of it all.

By Michael Arceneaux January 17, 2013, 04:09 AM EST

Minaj_carey_american_idol

Can you remember the last time you’ve watched American Idol regularly after Ruben Studdard and Fantasia Barrino won? Well, after watching Jennifer Lopez the first few episodes in which those missing at least three of their senses foolishly try to sing? Yeah, I can’t either, but with the additions of Nicki Minaj and Mariah Carey, Idol has become must see TV – even for other stars.

In this week’s roundtable, the stars bring the wings, the drinks, and let the shade pour for a star-studded viewing party of American Idol’s 12th season opener.

Ashanti: No disrespect to Nicki Minaj, but I don’t understand why she’s there. She’s been a big star for like four minutes and at least two of them were singing all off key. Who is she about to counsel on the makings of a star?

John Legend: Well, will you look at that? If I had known Ashanti was going to bring the pot to the party, I would’ve made sure I had a kettle delivered.

Mary J. Blige: I see someone’s upset their singing career is stuck at the intersection of You Tried Blvd. and Yet, It’s Still Over Lane.

John Legend: Aww, baby.

Rob Kardashian: Ooh, baby.

Ashanti: Hold up. Who let the Unemployed Kardashian in? Or better yet, how were you able to steal Bruno Mars’ invitation? Shouldn’t you be somewhere singing “One Last Cry” over that Rita Ora chick?

Nas: Let’s focus on the show, y’all.

Mary J. Blige: Yo, why did the show take 10 minutes to get to the auditions? It’s already two hours, no need to stretch it out and make it feel even longer.

Rob Kardashian: What’s the matter, Mary? You got some crispy chicken waiting for you in the oven?

Mary J. Blige: Dude, try me again and you’ll be auditioning for a paramedic’s care and attention.

Brandy: This show is way more interesting than sitting around waiting to see if Britney Spears is gonna have a panic attack on X-Factor.

Missy: Speaking of heartache, can we discuss how, every year, the people who audition on these kinds of shows are so sad? Like homeless, missing limbs, or a former child star from Israel. Life for me ain’t been no crystal stair either, but c’mon.

John Legend: Let’s lighten the mood then. Can we play a drinking game based on the number of the times Mariah says “darling?”

Mary J. Blige: Can’t do it. That wouldn’t be just getting back on the wagon for me; that’d be riding it, then getting out of the wagon, tripping and falling, only to get rolled over and die. Pass.

Brandy: You know, Mariah Carey has a really nice way of telling someone they can't sing worth a damn.

Nas: She also has a super power:  Somehow flipping every contestant’s backstory and making it about her.

Ashanti: Right! When one-legged Lou was talking, I wondered if she was going to pop her calf off to say she had to get a leg amputated, too.

Ne-Yo: Her side-eye makes up for it all, though.

Mary J. Blige: Meanwhile, Nicki Minaj gives me sober Paula Abdul. I’m loving it.

John Legend: I also want to applaud how restrained Nicki looks…for her. She’s really toned it down. She doesn’t look like Sister Mary Clarence or Marge Simpson’s sister living in Section 8.

Ne-Yo: I’m loving the cattiness between the two divas.

Brandy: Sounds about right.

Ne-Yo: Oh, come on. "If she's calling me something with a B that ends with an itch I rebuke it?" Classic.

Rob Kardashian: Artists, explain this to me: Why can Mariah say “darling” every other second like she’s the Great dame, but Nicki can’t pretend to be Kate Middleton’s maid.

Ashanti: Because she is Mariah freaking Carey.

John Legend: Which means?

Mary J. Blige: Not a damn thing if you weren’t obsessed with “Hero” in elementary or middle school.

Chris Brown: Sorry, I’m late, but hey, did y’all see the turbantor? Nicki wasn’t trying to get blown up, so she let him go.

John Legend: Dude. Didn’t you just piss off the Arab community last Halloween with your antics? Keep that up and we’re inviting Usher next time instead.

Chris Brown: Pssh. Y’all don’t want Usher here.

Brandy: Nonetheless, you still have to cut it out, Christopher.

Chris Brown: My apologies to everyone, particularly Ashanti, who used to have sideburns that reminded me of the Arab community.

Ashanti: Mother….

Chris Brown: Just kidding. Where should I put the extra coke I brought? Calm down, it’s from Mexico and inside of glass.

Ashanti: Uh…

Chris Brown: Mexican Coca Cola. Damn. No one trusts me anymore.

Mary J. Blige: This season of Idol looks like a winner. I’m not mad, even if they didn’t return my calls about judging last year.

Nas: We got Faizon Love singing Boyz II Men to two Black women on American Idol as producers played Shabba Ranks for his intro. This is dope.

Ne-Yo: I’m a little disappointed they didn’t show Nicki Minaj curse Mariah out, but yeah, it was cool.

Ashanti: They’re probably going to show that on the next episode.

 

Michael_arceneaux

Michael Arceneaux is a Houston-bred, Howard-educated writer and blogger. You can read more of his work on his site, The Cynical Ones. Follow him on Twitter: @youngsinick

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