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Celebrities Tell Arian Foster To Chill On His Rap Career

They know from experience.

By Michael Arceneaux October 05, 2012, 03:06 PM EST

Arian_foster_bun_b

Not eating pork chops and waxing poetic can do a lot for a professional football player’s reputation.

Arian Foster has been called “The Most Interesting Man in the NFL” and 60 Minutes recently christened him “The NFL’s Renaissance Man.” But while Houston Texans running back gets hand claps on individuality for his “Tofu Soup For The Soul” outlook on life, he’s just like you and me when he listens to “Bands A Make Her Dance” and thinks, “I can do that shit, too, just gimme a pen, some Pro Tools, and a bottle of Peach Ciroc.”

He’s actually about to give the rap game a try, as Bun B has confirmed that he’s been working with Foster on music. But, because he remembers Roy Jones Jr.’s “Y’all Must’ve Forgot,” Foster’s agent is a little concerned about his client newfound hobby. In order to make sure the 26-year-old doesn’t end up a spectacle while trying to spit hot fire to the masses in the post-season, he reached out to a few celebrities who’ve tried to crossover into music for advice.

Here’s what they wrote to Foster on the do’s and don’ts of chasing the charts (not really, but c’mon and play along):

 

Deion Sanders: Rap At The Anointed Time, Not The Appointed Time

I waited for years before accepting Hammer’s offer to be on his label. By the time I signed and released Prime Time, Hammer dropped the shiny pants for the speedo, and everyone dropped my cassette in the crate marked, “Take this Negro and the fool who signed him back to Never Ever Rap Again Land.” So, you ride the wave as soon as it hits you…but only with someone hot. If T.I. tries to sign you, slide out of the way; if 50 Cent hits you up, shimmy in the opposite direction; if Diddy says take “that, take that contract, man,” mention Ma$e’s and watch him disappear into thin air. But if Rick Ross calls, man, grunt on command. 

 

Naomi Campbell: Outsource Your Product

Critics panned Baby Woman, but over a million people bought it according to Wikipedia. I’m the one who wrote that on Wikipedia, but that’s not the point. The point is the audience that knows you probably won’t accept you as anything but a fútbol football star. So, sell it to foreigners who won’t understand anything you’re saying and might confuse you with a member of Boyz II Men. They’re still big there, you know.

And for the record, I danced in a video with Michael Jackson. Only huge pop stars and pre-teen pale boys born in the 1980s can make such a claim.

 

Shaquille O’Neal: It’s All About The Personal

Do you know why I have a platinum and gold record in spite of me rapping like I’m in a conspiracy with the Joker and Harvey Dent to bring the mayhem to Gotham? I didn’t just rap about my money, my cars, and the hoes. I brought up my daddy issues. Want to sell some records? Talk about the STD someone gave you in college and all the tears you shed during the first few seasons with the Texans. 

 

Ron Artest: Keep It Catchy

Has anyone forgotten my dedication to Michael Jackson after he died taking one too man of those turnt up Ambien’s that crazy motherf*cker prescribed? No – and no one ever will. Why? Because my hook was hot. “Michael, Michael, Michael, you my n*gga!” You want an unforgettable song, make it unforgettable…n*gga.

 

Tyra Banks: Know Your Angles

When you’re so amazing at so many things – say, modeling, producing television shows, hosting television shows, smizing, modeling, and super modeling – if you miss one, two, or seven steps of choreography, some people (haters!) will quickly gloss over the fact that your track was originally intended for Jennifer Lopez and that the wig you’re wearing in the video comes from the same kind of scalps Beyoncé wears. You won’t even get any credit for getting your production company to cover the cost of your music video. Nope. All people will remember is that you danced like you learned to walk four days ago. Whatevs. 

My advice? If you can’t break it all the way down, don’t wear Beyoncé’s wig and film your video from the stomach up.

 

Kobe Bryant: Hire The Right Hook Girl

When Tyra Banks finds out you’re about to start rapping, she’s going to offer to sing on your hook for free. Don’t do it. Call Ashanti or Keri Hilson instead. They’re cheap. Matter fact, call Kelly Rowland and ask for that H-Town discount. Better yet, hit that girl from Love & Hip Hop: Atlanta. The one they didn’t think was a girl at first. If you squint with your good eye, she looks just like “What if Rihanna took protein supplements?” Use her. She’ll at least get your record to trend on the Twitter.

 

Jason Kidd: After It Happens, Pretend It Never Did

Do you remember my song, “What The Kidd Didd” from the 1994 compilation album, B-Ball's Best Kept Secret. No, because you were eight, and more importantly, because I don’t bring the s**t up. Same thing with Eddie Murphy never speaking on the time he was walking on clouds with the Harlem Boys Choir while Michael Jackson kept repeating “Whatzupwitu” while looking like Bunny DeBarge in that video. So after you embarrass yourself, and, bruh, you will embarrass yourself…never speak of it again. No, not ever. 

Michael_arceneaux

Michael Arceneaux is a Houston-bred, Howard-educated writer and blogger. You can read more of his work on his site, The Cynical Ones. Follow him on Twitter: @youngsinick

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